December 19, 2016

A man.

I don't know what I want.

Would I want somebody who dotes on me and would never leave my side? Or would I want somebody who lets me have breathing space and lets me do whatever I want?

Would I like a man who has a different idea and perspective on the world or would I be much more comfortable having someone who shares the same views as I have? Or will our disparate worlds of thought evolve together and melt into one? Or will we grow apart and the same views we had before diverge into different paths? 

Would I be content with someone who never backs down during a fight or with someone who compromises? Is it better to droll out our flaws instead of keeping them in? 

Whoever I am with (or not with) in the future, I just hope I would've done my best to keep him. I would fight for what is right, but would back down if I know it is wrong.


I never got around to publishing this and the post before this one, and I'm almost always surprised when I re-read the things that I write. You know that sensation when you sleep and you unconsciously put your entire body weight on your arm, and your arm never feels like your arm? That's the sensation every time I read writings I've made in the past.

It's like a window into my psyche at that point of time; most of the time it illuminates me more than anything. Who knew past me could teach me this much?

Cik Kiah

Love as is

I went to a marriage conference. No, no. I'm not getting married in the near future. But it did enlightened me and made me think of the relationships around me.

I should find someone that I would never lose hope in or lose my respect to. For an everlasting relationship to last, love is only a minuscule part of this huge picture. I must go into a relationship full, and never beg for anything in a relationship. Give as much as I can, and hopefully I would never feel empty, because before anything I must complete me. Another person does not complete me, I complete me. I am not broken, I am already whole.

If I could not find The One, it is fine. Life does not end, it does not devalue me as an individual, nor as a woman. I am still young, there are many more years ahead of me (hopefully). I thought that people would make me feel that I am fulfilled, but sometimes they bring in more sorrow than happiness.

Their expectations made me falter, their expectations had made me feel trapped. I am not perfect. Nobody is, and I can't change who I am. If I want to cater to everyone's needs, I can't. I know I can't, but will they? Will they know that I will say the wrong things or not say the right thing? Will they accept me for all my flaws? .. Will I accept theirs?

I do not want to play this cat and mouse game anymore, I do not want to chase after something only to have it escape me yet again. At one point, if it does escape, so be it. If you love something, you should let it go. Let it go, not because it wants to go, but because it will free you. If it comes back, only then you will know if it is genuine.

The most important thing I know that I don't want is that feeling of being trapped in a marriage. A sinkhole that would consume me whole. And if I am trapped, I would want to be strong enough to walk away. It would probably be the hardest thing I would have had to do at that point, but I hope I'd do it.